Talking Fork

After what has seemed like an eternity - actually a few months of non stop work, we decided that enough was enough and that some much needed and somewhat well deserved R&R was in order. After considering several staycay options that were centered around water, the idea of a retreat on the Palm seemed idyllic and exactly what the doctor ordered, and so it was off to the The Retreat Palm Dubai MGallery by Sofitel for a bit of sun, some beach and to take some time to unwind and perhaps even do something quaint like a read book by the pool.

But before we go too far into this post, let’s get a quick refresher from the Oxford Dictionary on this wonderfully evocative word retreat:

Retreat noun:
“…a quiet or secluded place in which one can rest and relax”.

Promoted as Dubai’s first wellness resort, the eco inspired M Gallery promises a relaxing resort experience and with flowery descriptions such as:

“our philosophy of wellbeing and personal transformation of body, mind and spirit runs throughout the hotel. This luxurious hotel in Dubai offers immersive, enchanting experiences that inspire lifelong memories. The unique spa resort is a peaceful sanctuary tucked away in a sublime, secluded location on the shores of Dubai’s Palm Jumeirah”

After reading such prose, one could be forgiven for having their expectations set quite high. Having stayed at several other M Gallery properties around the region, we opted for the Palm Facing One Bedroom Suite with Club Access and were excited and expecting the best this unique retreat had to offer.

First up, the general materiality and styling of the Interiors from your arrival in the Lobby through to the rooms does little to convey the stated notion of wellness or in anyway resembles an opulent five star hideaway. To be sure, the suite itself is relatively spacious when compared to the other room types across the property, however the rooms decor was cliched and uninspired, lacking any real gravitas. Wooden floors and some fake greenery in each of the suite’s bathrooms isn’t really going to be enough to prop up the stated narrative. The only tip of the hat towards wellness we could find were the seaside inspired wall art, the basic eco labeled toiletries and the cheesy flowered wallpaper above the bed that says budget more than it says boutique. As far as style goes, some scattered colorful chairs and complimentary floral rugs with a green throw for the bed completes what would be best descried as a seaside Ikea look. Aside from this, the Club Rooms have only a basic nondescript, non Nespresso coffee machine and an empty fridge with a few complimentary waters in it. First world problems to be sure but when it comes to the room category and attention to detail, there are any number of missed opportunities that come to mind to leverage the idea of wellness and retreat that would have added to the experience in a positive way and Nescafe Red Mug and Powdered Milk, ain’t on that list.

To the upside, the views back towards the Marina and Atlantis are alluring almost any time of the day and the king sized beds are of course large, clean and comfortable with nice soft bed linen and pillows. There’s also a nifty motion sensor night light that turns on if you need to go to the bathroom after dark and all of the room tech is good.

Putting the let down of the room behind us, we turned our attention to the great outdoors and set out to explore what else the retreat had to offer. As we descended towards the pool and beach area for a little sun we were greeted by what is best described as a hot, rowdy and completely overcrowded pool zone while the little strip of sand and water loosely described as the ‘beach’ is essentially a roped off section of near waist deep water and several rows of blue sunbeds and umbrellas just like you’ll find at any middle of the road beach club. The pool, while quite nicely presented was small and wildly over crowded. So mcuh so that by mid afternoon despite seeing several signs stating that the pool capacity is 30, we had counted 43 kids in the pool yelling, screaming, fighting, playing and splashing with parents and various pool attendants, whistles blazing in tow trying to maintain some semblance of order - none of which I would say suggests sanctuary or relaxing retreat.

It was in a word - a farce.

There is in fact nothing about the property that suggests retreat at all. Aside from half a dozen date palms, there’s no landscape and barely any shade to speak of. Comically, the additionally charged for ‘beach cabanas’ are are akin to a closed off hot box surrounded by concrete and sand. It was immediately evident that there was a waiting list for a sun bed as we saw a couple embroiled in a heated exchange with staff about the same, so we decided to saunter on down to the beach - all notions of unwinding by the pool, book and pina colada in hand permanently destroyed. Did I mention that it’s a dry hotel? No, neither does their website, we only found out when we got there… make of that what you will.

At this point, knowing deep down that the staycay was in disarray we decided to give the outdoors a miss and retreat to the Club Lounge as our last role of the dice. What we found was a curtained off and closed off outdoor roof top club lounge with its automatic sliding doors whirling away trying to close but stuck on repeating clunk and a bland, dark and overtly unpleasant indoor environment that was a galaxy away from the flowery prose used to describe the property. When quizzed, the poor lady who looked like she hadn’t seen anyone for millennia in the Club Lounge said - “the curtains are drawn because it gets so hot up here”. She wasn’t wrong, it was ridiculously hot despite the drawn curtains hiding the beautiful view across the ocean. Shame.

So how was the the Club Lounge food? It was actually ok. Not amazing, but given the way things had been going, far better than expected but nowhere near the standard of a 5 Star hotel and in no way fulfilling the key ethos of being health driven.

Speaking of food, elsewhere, the dining options were scarce to none with only one of the reputed four bespoke restaurants operating and not anything that you’d go out of your way for - so much so that we opted to eat out elsewhere on the palm on both nights of our stay, actually bumping into some guests we saw at breakfast in the process who obviously had come to the same conclusion. We indulged in the breakfast at the only available eatery and by 9:30am it was packed to the rafters, (clearly the hotel was at full capacity) with the service and the fare being more than reasonable but far from anything to write home about and none of in anyway health orientated or promoted as such which can be chalked up to the growing list of miss steps this venue has under its belt.

In fairness, and on one of the only positive notes about the stay - all of our encounters with the staff were welcoming and friendly.

I think it probably goes without saying that associating the Sofitel name with a word like retreat would give anyone an instant impression of a quality driven peaceful stay in a well crafted boutique environment, unfortunately with the room rate at over 1000 dirhams a night for the Club Room, the actual experience was miles away from the premise with the hotel ultimately being a confused mix of ambition and fumbled execution that falls short in almost every way. When one reflects on this reality and considers any number of nearby 5 Star destinations and what they deliver for a similar price point you can’t help but come away from your stay and be more than a little ahem, disappointed.

The Bottom Line:

To put it bluntly, The Retreat Palm Dubai MGallery by Sofitel is by no means a secluded, peaceful retreat and seemingly offers little in the way of differentiation from a budget family hotel, in the process completely failing to live up to the five star billing it’s gives itself.